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2010/09/24 21:14, Naga: 
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

2010/09/24 21:28, Antti: 
hehe Naga :)

2010/10/04 11:30, Bullet: 
that, Naga..made my morning

2010/10/07 09:07, Sundal:   
My girlfriend said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationshp work.

She was less than impressed by a dead goat in our kitchen

2010/10/07 15:13, Bullet: 
haha

2010/10/08 16:51, Naga: 
A man is on his Honeymoon when he goes fishing with his friend an hour after arriving. After 20 minutes his friend asks:
'Why are you here? This is your honeymoon!'

'You know how I love to fish' The man replies.

'Why aren't you having 'fun' with your wife?'

'She has Chlamydia, and you know how I love to fish.'

'Why dont you try the 'backdoor' then?'

'She has diarrhea, and you know how I love to fish.'

'Well there is one more way of having fun with your new wife, ya know?'

'She has mouth rot, and you know how I love to fish.'

The friend looked at the man and asked the question that had been wrecking his brain for another 20 minutes.

'I gotta ask man, why are you with her?'

'She also has worms, and you know how I love to fish!'

2010/10/08 16:53, Naga: 
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

2010/10/25 07:57, Keren: 
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen..
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Vi@gra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Vi@gra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

** Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi@gra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

2010/10/25 08:00, Keren: 
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

2010/10/25 08:03, Keren: 
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, So she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, Grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand And hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: 'billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while'.
Billy says: 'i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. '
Mother says: 'ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?'
Billy says: 'well, it works on the tomato sauce bottle!'

2010/10/25 08:16, Keren: 
Latest from bash:

<Rei> who lived in a pineapple under the sea, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
<Rei> who died in an oil spill because of bp, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

2010/12/22 05:40, Grimace: 
#1

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

'I had sex with another woman last night,' he tells her. 'But I was thinking of you the whole time.'

'You miss me that much?' she asks.
...
'No,' he says. 'But it kept me from coming too fast.'

#2

Huge Insect
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, 'Don't worry; that was an insect.'

...To which, her son replies, 'I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that.'

2010/12/23 09:15, Zsnejk: 
My wife just found out that she was adopted, She was devastated and kept asking why her real parents diddn't want her. I comforted her and after we made sweet love, which again led to more crying, which ended up in more comforting and more and more loving. In the end I fucked her up the ass and shouted: WHOS YOUR DADDY?

2011/04/29 11:26, Devastator: 
@Naga, that was good :-)

2011/05/20 14:22, Filk:   
bump

2011/07/06 13:12, Wobbler:   
To keep this thread alive, I will quote a Slashdot comment from a while back, [submitted link]
"If your children are only visiting you because they're afraid you might be dead, you need better children. On the flip side, if they're only visiting because they're hoping you're dead, you should have been a better parent.'

2011/07/14 11:28, Andróg:   
[submitted link]

2011/08/05 04:23, Boofhead: 
Moar jokes plz.

2011/08/19 13:04, Winzy: 
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?







Because he was outstanding in his field.

2011/11/15 23:02, Britney: 
[submitted link]

2011/11/15 23:05, Sachurin:   
[submitted link]


Good job in -02!

2011/11/16 05:11, Britney: 
Yes?

2011/11/19 16:21, Salber:edited 2x   
An alcoholic, a chain-smoker, and a sex addict are in the doctors office. The doctor tells them that if any of them indulge in their addiction one more time they will drop dead. Unfazed, the 3 men leave the doctors office and start walking home. On the way they pass a bar and go inside to have a drink. After 1 sip the alcoholic drops dead on the floor. Shaken up, the other 2 leave the bar and continue home. On the way they see a lit cigarette on the ground. The sex addict turns to the chain-smoker and says 'If you bend over to pick that up we're both dead.'

2011/11/23 11:47, Kroom: 
Not a joke, but ridiculous nevertheless: Nike paid Jordan more money than to all of its Malaysian factory workers.

2011/12/16 11:08, Winzy: 
Recently, scientists have discovered traces of female hormones in alcohol. To test this theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer each. Their theory was proven correct after 100% of the men begun to talk nonsense and lost the ability to drive.

2012/08/20 00:10, Stolb: 
A woman takes a lover home during day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 y-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in bedroom closet. Her husband also comes home, she puts her lover into closet, not realizing the little boy is already there.

The little boy says: 'dark in here'
The man says 'yes it is'
Boy: 'i have a baseball...'
Man: 'thats nice'
Boy: 'wanna buy it?'
Man: 'no thanks'
Boy: 'my Dad is outside...'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '250$'

In the next two weeks it happens again, and the boy and the lover are in the same closet again.

Boy: 'dark in here'
Man: 'yes it is'
Boy: 'i have a baseball glove'
The man, remembering the last time asks: 'how much?'
Boy: '750$'
Man: 'SOLD'

A few days later the dad says to the boy: 'grab your baseball glove, lets play a game of catch'
Boy: 'I can't, I sold my baseball and the glove'
Dad: 'how much did you get for them?'
Boy: '1000$'
Dad: 'thats terrible to overcharge your friends, that is way more than those things are worth, I'm taking you to church, to confession'

They go to the church, and dad makes the boy go into confessional booth and closes the door...

Boy: 'dark in here'
The priest says: 'don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now'

2012/08/21 07:55, Boofhead: 
A Corona executive, a Carlsberg executive, a Heineken executive, and a Guinness executive go out for a business lunch.

They order the food, and the waiter asks them what they'll drink.

The Corona guy asks for a Corona.

The Carlsberg guy asks for a Carlsberg.

The Heineken guy asks for a Heineken.

The Guinness guy says 'well, since no one's ordering a beer, I'll have orange juice.'

2013/07/12 01:29, Steoadsawoeifn:   
Why do midgets laugh when they run?

...Because the grass tickles their balls

2013/07/12 13:01, Jerel:   
A man walks into an American bar, sits down and orders 3 pints of beer. The bartender thinks its a little strange but the guy isn't drunk yet so he serves him the beers. The man sits there quietly taking turns sipping the beers until they are all empty then leaves. For the next few weeks on the same day the man keeps coming in and doing the same thing. Finally one week the bartender gets curious enough to ask the man why he is doing this. 'I promised my 2 brothers who both live in England that even though we live across the Ocean from each other now, that I would still have a drink with them every week. So somewhere in England at this time, they are sitting at a pub also sipping on 3 beers.' 'Wow pretty cool' says the bartender.
A few more weeks go by of this and the bartender has now gotten accustomed to seeing the man coming in and ordering his 3 pints. So one week when the man comes in and only orders 2 before he begins drinking, the bartender becomes concerned. 'Is everything ok with your brothers?' he asks the man. 'O sure sure they are both just fine. I just quit drinking.'

2013/07/12 14:22, Keren:   
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!'

The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back next week.'

The next week the old lady returns. 'Doctor,' she says, 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.'

The doctor says, 'Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'

2014/06/28 06:09, Kitto: 
Any new ones?


2014/07/30 15:10, Rohik: 
anti-baby pills should be for males, its safer to shoot blanks than shoot live rounds to bullet-proof vest...

2014/08/05 18:58, Ghazzalli:  edited 1x   
2008/11/06 00:33, Forren:
i edited some!! read the end!!

2008/05/26 15:06, Myrddin:
An Estonian steps into a room filled with Russians wearing a T-shirt 'Russians have 3 problems.' A Russian guy comes next to him and asks, 'What's your problem, man?'
Estonian:'See, that's your first problem - you are way too aggressive.'
Seeing the conversation a gang starts gathering up and one of them asks, 'What's going on in here?' The Estonian replies: 'Yeah, that's your second problem - you always call for help and a big gang, when you want to beat up someone.'
Russians start drawing their knives...
The Estonian guy runs out of the room and yells: 'And that's your final problem, you like to use cold weapons against fire arms!!
------

It has been YEARS, and I still don't get this joke, even with the edit to the punchline.

I understand criticizing people for being too aggressive, and in this joke the Russian was aggressive. I understand criticizing people for depending on friends instead of facing challenges on their own, and in this joke the Russian's friends started to gang up against a single opponent. I guess I sorta understand criticizing people for bringing knives to a gunfight, but no one in this joke is in a gunfight! The Estonian doesn't have a gun, in fact he's just running away at the end.

Help me understand this joke, for I have been confused for years!

2014/08/06 03:33, Zyrus: 
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods!

2014/08/07 17:14, Andróg:   
Ghazzalli, I'm Estonian and I don't get that joke either. :_)

2014/08/08 08:58, Savu:   
Re: Ghazzalli
Because someone fucked up the punchline? The right one should be something in the lines of: '...pulls out a gun and says: 'You bring knives to a gunfight.''

2014/08/08 12:44, Soart:   
Myrddin trying to make a joke:
[submitted link]

2014/08/08 17:42, Ghazzali:  edited 1x   
Savu: It seems odd that the original joke plus the clarifying edit would have failed to mention the gun. I'm really suspecting there's some linguistic turn of phrase that I'm not understanding, but I can't figure out what it could even be. There's no gunfight happening... even if the joke was supposed to mention a gun, the Estonian runs away. So why were knives the wrong choice? It would have made as much sense for the Estonian to say, 'You wear pants to a scuba diving trip!' Yeah, they're wearing pants, but nobody is scuba diving, so who cares?

OKAY I'M DONE OBSESSING OVER THIS JOKE.

2015/08/28 13:11, Antti: 
What do you mean Finnish is difficult?

English: A dog.
Swedish: What?
English: The dog.
English: Two dogs.
Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan't to try it too!
English: No, go away.
Swedish: No one invited you.
German: Der Hund.
English: I said go away....
German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde.
Swedish: Stop it!
German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden.

Finnish: Sup.
English: NO.
Swedish: NO.
German: NO. Finn, you go away!!
Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin.

German: WHAT?
Swedish: You must be kidding us!
English: This must be a joke...

Finnish: Aaaand... koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne.

English: Those are words for a dog???

Finnish: Wait! I didn't stop yet. There is still: koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan.

Swedish: You must be kidding us!
German: Thank God it's finally over...
English: Can you speak some German again?

Finnish: And now the plural forms...

2015/08/29 00:00, Mehmotor:   
Whoa! Holyyy shit! Wait... I hate to shock you, but this 'joke' is rather retarded. This could be reason you are abandoned by parents. Olvipissa-brain-tard.

2015/11/24 18:04, Daerandir: 
Did not check the facts, but according to this, engineers have dodge bonus.
[submitted link]

2015/11/28 20:17, Thurge: 
Looks legit. In the US you have to pass your PE (professional engineer) exam before they give you one in most states. Add the right cloak and you can dodge almost anything....

2016/08/25 08:58, Boofhead: 
I got sacked from my job at the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

2017/04/06 08:43, Boofhead: 
I just won gold at the World Weather Forecasting Championships.

I beat the raining champion.

2017/04/15 21:40, Strori: 
hijo de Putin

2017/04/16 23:24, Strori: 
In Spain Basques sometimes don't care to pay the parking. BOOOOOOM!!!

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